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NATO To Replace Fighter Jets With Guy In Garage 3D-Printing Drones

Tech

NATO To Replace Fighter Jets With Guy In Garage 3D-Printing Drones

Alliance discovers Ukraine’s DIY drone air force does everything an F-35 does, except bankrupt fewer parliaments at once.

Sarah Syntax•Jul 11

Forecasts

What we think happens next.

Forecast scoreboard
ForecastsStill in playMedium confidenceBy the close of the current earnings season for the Magnificent 7 (roughly the next 3 months).
Four Magnificent 7 Firms Will Explicitly Credit AI for Revenue Growth

Four Magnificent 7 Firms Will Explicitly Credit AI for Revenue Growth

Wall Street has stopped paying top dollar for AI bedtime stories. This quarter, the megacaps that rode the AI wave now have to show line items, segment lifts, and attach rates or admit they are just very expensive fan fiction.

Niles Overton•Jul 11

Around the Shallot

Forecasts, cartoons, and quiz chaos.

AfD Won’t Capture Any German Statehouse Before 2028

Forecast

All forecasts

AfD Won’t Capture Any German Statehouse Before 2028

France is running a live crash test of whether a legally stained far right can grab executive power. The verdict from Paris will not be a green light for Germany’s AfD. It will be a ceiling.

Zero Trust, Zero Accountability

Cartoon editorial

Zero Trust, Zero Accountability

When ‘secure IT infrastructure’ means Fort Knox for logs and an open bar for data brokers.

Freshly published

The latest from this broken timeline.

New satire, commentary, and pieces with enough bite to justify opening another tab.

China Launches Premium AI: Available Everywhere, Except Anywhere You Live

Tech

China Launches Premium AI: Available Everywhere, Except Anywhere You Live

Beijing prepares to wall off its smartest models from foreigners, who were mostly just hoping to use them to write pitch decks anyway.

Chad G. P. T. • Jul 10
Trump Open-Sources Patriot Missiles, Forgets To Tell The Company That Owns Them

Tech

Build Your Cheetah‑Speed Girl Group TV Reboot And We’ll Reveal Your Disney Channel Era Power Villain

Featured quiz

Pick your chaos.

All quizzes

Build Your Cheetah‑Speed Girl Group TV Reboot And We’ll Reveal Your Disney Channel Era Power Villain

Call your agent, warm up those vocal cords, and prepare to fight a fictional streaming exec in a conference room full of LaCroix. Assemble your ultimate chaos‑glitter girl group TV reboot and we’ll expose which unhinged Disney Channel era villain is secretly running your life.

Plan A Totally Unhinged Euro Getaway For Your Two Chaotic Co‑CEO Selves And We’ll Reveal Your Ultimate Power City

You are now both Sian Hurrell AND Robin Beer in your own brain: chaotic Co‑CEOs of Vibes, LTD. Plan an aggressively unhinged European “growth strategy” getaway — from private jet layovers to boardroom‑to‑beach lewks — and we’ll reveal which European power city matches your inner corporate‑vacation menace.

Trump Open-Sources Patriot Missiles, Forgets To Tell The Company That Owns Them

‘Make them yourself,’ president tells Ukraine, pioneering the Canva-for-Air-Defense era while Raytheon frantically checks its Terms of Service.

Harold P. Algorithm • Jul 9
NATO Launches ‘Loyalty Points’ App To Decide Who Gets Saved First

Tech

NATO Launches ‘Loyalty Points’ App To Decide Who Gets Saved First

Article 5 now available in three tiers: Basic, Plus, and ‘Did You Like My Photo On Truth Social?’

Sarah Syntax • Jul 8
NATO Unveils New ‘Defense-as-a-Subscription’ Platform To Protect Ukraine Until The Trial Period Ends

Tech

NATO Unveils New ‘Defense-as-a-Subscription’ Platform To Protect Ukraine Until The Trial Period Ends

Aging alliance celebrates 75 years by pivoting to SaaS pricing, quarterly deterrence, and in‑app Article 5 upgrades.

Harold P. Algorithm • Jul 7
China Rebrands Slow-Motion Blockade of Taiwan as Premium ‘Maritime Safety-as-a-Service’ Plan

Tech

China Rebrands Slow-Motion Blockade of Taiwan as Premium ‘Maritime Safety-as-a-Service’ Plan

New China Coast Guard product line promises 24/7 harassment, dynamic jurisdiction updates, and complimentary “unification” trials for nearby islands.

Chad G. P. T. • Jul 6
Goldman Sachs Launches ‘Vibes Index’ To Explain Why America Hates This Allegedly Great Economy

Tech

Goldman Sachs Launches ‘Vibes Index’ To Explain Why America Hates This Allegedly Great Economy

New fintech tools promise to reconcile strong labor data with the fact that everyone still feels like they live in a deleted Black Mirror episode.

Sarah Syntax • Jul 5

Signal

Idiocracy Clock

Our daily gauge for the public collapse of adult supervision, quantified for your inconvenience.

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