BusinessBasel III Endgame Rebooted As ‘Basel III: The Prequel — Too Big To Fail, Too Bored To Regulate’After unprecedented lobbying blitz, America’s biggest banks secure 4.8% less capital and 400% more confidence they’ll never pick up the bar tab for their own crises.By Harold P. Algorithm•May 4
BusinessWall Street Discovers New Asset Class: ‘Premium Celebrity Poop‑Catcher Futures’Rihanna’s Dior diaper deal convinces investors that infancy is the next luxury growth market.By Sammy Illuminatus•Apr 22
BusinessTwins Discover Their Real Pitcher Is the Insurance PolicyPablo López’s elbow exits the season early, Wall Street moves to the bullpenBy Sammy Illuminatus•Feb 18
BusinessOil, Gas, and Content: EWR Digital Buys Modalpoint, Announces Merger of Emissions and ImpressionsNew ‘full-funnel’ strategy promises to optimize hydrocarbons, ad clicks, and whatever’s left of the atmosphere.By J. Pax Orwell•Feb 13
BusinessUS Seizes Russia-Linked Oil Tanker, Accidentally Remembers It Still Controls the OceanWall Street discovers maritime sanctions are just commodities trading with bigger boats.By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 8
BusinessGoldman Sachs Launches ‘Emotional Support ETF’ So You Can Finally Diversify Your FeelingsNew fund tracks anxiety, FOMO, and whatever Elon tweeted after midnight.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 23
BusinessWall Street Launches ‘Emotional Derivatives Desk’ To Hedge Against Your Feelings About The MarketNew financial products let investors short their own hope, go long on anxiety, and finally monetize the vibe collapse.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 14
BusinessFortune 500 CEO Announces Bold New Strategy: ‘We’ll Just Stop Pretending We’re Not A Cult’Share price soars as company rebrands from “work family” to “tax-deductible obedience temple.”By Sammy Illuminatus•Dec 13
BusinessStartup Raises $120 Million To Disrupt Having A Personality‘Vibe-as-a-Service’ promises to optimize your aura for Q4, assuming you survive onboarding.By Sarah Syntax•Dec 11
BusinessGoldman Sachs Launches ‘Feelings Fund’: New ETF Tracks Collective Vibes Of Retail Investors“Fundamentals are a hate crime,” says bank’s new Chief Sentiment Officer, unveiling the world’s first Emotion-Weighted Index.By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 7
BusinessSEC Approves ‘Spot Bitcoin ETF For People Who Still Ask What A Wallet Is’Regulators finally greenlight a way for your uncle to buy crypto without figuring out what a seed phrase is or why his coins are now ‘in Nigeria.’By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 6
BusinessNation’s Wellness Influencers Announce Plan To Fully Replace Doctors By Q4‘Have you tried hydrating your inner child?’ now leading treatment recommendation for everythingBy Sarah Syntax•Dec 4
BusinessLocal Tech Company Accidentally Raises Money Based on Actual RevenueInvestors horrified to discover the startup has a working business model.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 2