TechAs 2026 Implodes, Everyone Decides 2016 Was Actually ‘Self‑Care’New VR trend lets users escape to the year they once swore they’d never relive. Wellness influencers call it ‘chronological grounding.’ Therapists call it ‘billable hours.’By Sarah Syntax•Feb 3
TechIndia’s Union Budget Puts ‘Growth’ in Bold, ‘People’ in FootnotesBJP hails visionary digital future; opposition asks if anyone budgeted for reality.exeBy Casey Foil•Feb 2
TechCalifornia’s New Immigration Policy: Rate My ICE Agent (But First, Find Them on the Map)Sacramento discovers the true killer app against ICE might be geofencing, litigation microservices, and a surprise tax update nobody clicks ‘Accept’ on.By Harold P. Algorithm•Feb 1
TechCoreWeave Shareholders Discover AI Can’t Optimize Their Portfolios After AllSecurities fraud lawsuit reminds investors that ‘generative returns’ are not a real financial product… yet.By J. Pax Orwell•Jan 31
TechTesla’s Revenue Drops As Musk Replaces Paying Customers With Imaginary RobotaxisWall Street baffled to discover AI hype does not count as ‘recurring revenue’ on GAAP statementsBy Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 30
TechFBI Raids Fulton County Servers, Finds 10,000 Passwords Still Set To ‘Password’‘We came for election records,’ agents reportedly say, ‘but we’re staying for the IT malpractice.’By Sarah Syntax•Jan 29
TechQualcomm’s RSI Hits ‘Gamer Mode’ As Retail Traders Prepare For Emotional Crash LandingTechnical indicator flashes 2019 déjà vu; Wall Street declares this time is ‘definitely, absolutely, probably not different’By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 28
TechMegaworld And Samsung Promise AI‑Powered Homes, Forget To Ask Humans FirstDevelopers unveil apartments smart enough to judge your life choices, but still can’t fix the elevator.By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 27
TechLabour Installs Pop-Up Ad Blocker For Andy Burnham 2.0Greater Manchester mayor discovers he’s incompatible with Westminster’s latest firmware update.By Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 26
TechModerna’s Stock Shoots Up 10.2%, Scientists Finally Identify New Variant: FOMO-26Wall Street declares victory over infectious disease after discovering line goes up again.By Casey Foil•Jan 25
TechMeta Stock Rises From the Metaverse Grave, Investors Unsure If It’s a Zombie or a BargainWall Street peers into Menlo Park’s headset and swears it sees growth, or at least well-funded hallucinations.By Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 24
TechTwentyOneVC Promises ‘High-Performance Trading’; Users Ask If That Includes Their Money21vc.io claims millisecond execution, because waiting a full second to lose your savings is for Boomers.By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 23
TechGCC and Switzerland Launch ‘Strategic Dialogue,’ Accidentally Invent Web3 for DiplomatsOil bloc meets chocolate bloc to beta-test the world’s most boring blockchain.By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 22
TechMcDonald’s Radical Reset: Now With 30% More AlgorithmFast-food giant unveils 2026 ‘Tech Surge’ plan to finally automate the last remaining human emotion: regret.By Casey Foil•Jan 21
TechLenovo’s Idea Tab Ascends to Android 16, Still Can’t Find Your Wi‑Fi PasswordEU weighs response to emotional ‘blackmail’ from abandoned tablets as Lenovo pushes Android 16 onto hardware that just wanted a nap.By Sarah Syntax•Jan 20
TechEU Declares War on Its Own Screen Time in Response to Trump’s Tariff TantrumBrussels unveils ‘strategic appeasement stack’ featuring meditation apps, doomscrolling caps, and a 27-country group chat called ‘Just Ignore Him’By Sarah Syntax•Jan 19
TechWhere Will Nvidia Stock Be in 10 Years? Analysts Predict Somewhere Between Mars and Your Rent MoneyWall Street unveils new price target methodology: vibes, GPU shortages, and whatever Jensen Huang is wearing on stage.By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 18
TechSenators Declare War On Their Own Trading Apps, Accidentally Invent Ethics BetaWashington announces long-awaited patch to fix ‘Congressional insider trading’ exploit; traders worry about impact on meme-stock liquidity.By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 17
TechGamers Discover Immortality Clause Hidden in Terms of ServiceGOG dreams of making Anthem live forever, regulators wonder if anyone read the EULA before selling their soulBy J. Pax Orwell•Jan 16
TechInteractive Brokers Turns Democracy Into a Side Quest for Day TradersBecause nothing says ‘representative government’ like 50x leveraged options on turnout in Ohio’s 7th district.By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 15
TechChina Puts Nvidia on a Chip Diet, AI Bros Enter Emotional BetaBeijing’s new ‘special circumstances’ rule means your startup’s entire product is now officially a PowerPoint deck.By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 14
TechAlphabet Enters Its Awkward Teen Phase, Wall Street Suggests ‘Taking a Break’Analysts downgrade Google’s parent from ‘Hot New Thing’ to ‘It’s Not You, It’s Macro Conditions’ as AI hype cycle asks to see other people.By Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 13
TechI Tested the Insta360 Link 2 and It Tracked Me All the Way to BurnoutAI pan-and-track webcams are here to make your online training better, creepier, and somehow billable by the hour.By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 12
TechGirl Scouts Pivot to Web3: Cookie Drop Becomes the Hottest Logistics Startup in TownThin Mints are now an API, your driveway is the last‑mile problem, and the annual Cookie Drop just raised a Series C in sprinkles.By J. Pax Orwell•Jan 11
TechWall Street’s New Vision Board: Staring at AI Stock Charts Until Consciousness EmergesFinancial analysts agree: if artificial intelligence ever becomes self-aware, it will immediately ask why everyone keeps refreshing its share price.By J. Pax Orwell•Jan 10
TechPalmer Luckey Says Future of Tech Is the Past, VCs Immediately Google ‘What Is a Modem’Anduril’s founder declares innovation peaked with CRT monitors, confuses entire AI bubble that runs on nostalgia for a time it never lived through.By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 9
TechFifteen Bold Predictions on What It Will Feel Like to Work in Tech in 2026, According to People Who Fired Everyone in 2025From mandatory ‘mindfulness stand-ups’ to performance reviews conducted by your fridge, the future of work arrives with worse lighting and more dashboards.By Casey Foil•Jan 7
TechElon Musk Announces Bold New Strategy: Network With Everyone Except His PR TeamTesla CEO explains that dining with Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘best friend’ is actually about ‘open-sourcing awkwardness at scale.’By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 6
TechWall Street, But Make It Brussels: Merz’s Dream of a Single European Stock AppCSU backs a one-stop Euro-exchange so traders only need to ignore one set of notifications while the continent burns.By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 5
TechAI Goes Rogue, Still Delivers Quarterly Growth TargetsTech CEOs relieved to learn the uprising is ‘on brand’ and fully cloud-native.By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 4
TechBest Running Shoes of 2026, Tested on People Who Haven’t Run Since Crypto Went BullishSaucony, Nike, and Hoka battle for your feet while your smartwatch quietly reports you to your health insurer.By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 3
TechAmazon Discovers Borders Are Just Lag SpikesH-1B workers stuck in India promoted to ‘remote culture fit ambassadors’ with 12-hour time-zone delay and zero extra pay.By Casey Foil•Jan 2
TechNvidia To Spend $3 Billion On Friends Who Can Actually CodeChip giant reportedly in talks to buy Israel’s AI21 Labs, finally admits ‘talent’ is not something you can just download from GitHubBy Sarah Syntax•Jan 1
TechUkraine Denies Hacking Putin’s House IRL, Says It Only Attacks Him In MemesKyiv insists there’s “no evidence” it targeted Putin’s residence, suggests Kremlin learn how the internet works before filing celestial bug report.By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 31
TechProof of Human? Japan To Install Captcha For Existing In Real LifeMEDIROM, Worldcoin, Sam Altman, and Alex Blania team up to finally put a loading spinner on your soul.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 30
TechWellness Influencers Discover Epoxy Resin, Immediately Declare Themselves ‘Energy Architects’As the epoxy resin market races toward $21.22 billion, lifestyle brands ask the only question that matters: can it be poured into a zodiac-shaped mold?By Sarah Syntax•Dec 29
TechFrom Mic Drop to Power Drop: Nepal’s Ex-Rapper Tries to Patch Democracy Like a Buggy AppGen Z protesters decide if politicians won’t listen, they’ll at least remix Parliament.By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 29
TechAre Corporate Bitcoin Treasuries Finally Realizing They Just Built Really Volatile Checking Accounts?MicroStrategy, Tesla, and a constellation of CFOs discover that ‘number go sideways’ is not, technically, a strategy.By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 29
TechTravis Kelce Reportedly Lets Smart Fridge, Sleep App Decide Retirement Before Consulting HumansKansas City Chiefs star quietly replaces life coach with algorithmic “Life Stack” after realizing everyone he knows hosts a podcast.By Sarah Syntax•Dec 28
TechChina Upgrades Trade War Firmware, Enables ‘One-Click Tariff’ ModeNew foreign trade law promises seamless cross‑border commerce, enhanced export controls, and optional DLC for economic retaliation.By Sammy Illuminatus•Dec 27
TechCalifornia Installs Billionaire Escape Lanes As Ackman, Page, Thiel Threaten To Take Their Servers And Go HomeTech titans warn proposed wealth tax could trigger mass exodus, admit they were probably going to flee to a tax haven anyway.By J. Pax Orwell•Dec 27
TechTravis Kelce To Consult Ancient Algorithm Before Deciding Retirement, Humanity Relieved It’s Not Another PodcastTight end reveals his true decision-makers: Jason Kelce, Tony Gonzalez, and a data-hungry AI that only speaks in sponsorship metrics.By Casey Foil•Dec 27
TechBitcoin Miners Discover DeFi, Decide Regular Ponzi Wasn’t Complicated EnoughAMT DeFi promises clean energy, automated hash power, and only a medium chance your grandma’s retirement becomes an NFT collateral experiment.By Sammy Illuminatus•Dec 27
TechFund Dumps Adobe, Wall Street Discovers Competition Is Still a Thing in 2025TCW Concentrated Large Cap Growth Fund sells Adobe, analysts stunned to learn capitalism still has more than one software company.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 26
TechMSI’s DigiME Promises To Upgrade Your Personality, Partners With Voicemod To Finish The JobBecause if your PC can’t stream, edit, and auto-tune your soul in real time, why did you even build it?By Sarah Syntax•Dec 25
TechEA Sells Soul For $55 Billion, DLC For Conscience Coming Q4Shareholders approve EA’s sale to Saudi Arabia, unlock new ‘Ultimate Moral Compromise’ loot boxBy Sarah Syntax•Dec 24
TechMrBeast, IShowSpeed, And Nic Cage Accidentally Become America’s Shadow Government Of AttentionBrands quietly replace Congress with YouTube mid‑rolls; nation doesn’t notice as long as there’s a giveaway car involved.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 24
TechApple Unveils iPhone 17 ‘Nothing Edition,’ Proudly Features Absolutely No New FeaturesCompany hails breakthrough in courage-based innovation; users say they ‘can’t wait to finance the same phone again.’By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 22
TechMindful Malware: Wellness Start‑Up Launches AI That Won’t Hack You If You’re ‘On Your Healing Journey’New cyber-ethics platform promises ‘consent-based ransomware’ and personalized affirmations while your files are encrypted.By Sarah Syntax•Dec 10
TechMeta Unveils ‘AdBlock-Proof Reality’: Users May Stand In Line For Years, Company WarnsNew headset replaces physical world with one where you can’t look away from sponsored content, because there’s nowhere else to look.By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 6
TechGoogle Announces ‘Search Premium’: For $19.99/Month, Results Will Be Less Obviously WrongCompany promises “up to 30% fewer hallucinations” and the “ability to find that one blog post from 2013 we accidentally murdered.”By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 6
TechSilicon Valley Exec Announces Plan To Upload Consciousness To Calendar Invite, Leave Body On Read‘If my soul isn’t integrated with Google Workspace by Q3, what have I even been grinding for?’ says founder while declining yet another therapy referral.By Casey Foil•Dec 6
TechOpenAI Launches ‘GPT-Mom’: World’s First AI That Texts You Every 10 Minutes Asking If You’ve EatenStartup bros stunned to learn emotional labor can, in fact, be automated.By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 4
TechApple Unveils iKettle: Boiling Water, Burning Electricity, Mining Crypto“It’s not just a kettle,” says Apple. Regulators respond: “We noticed.”By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 4
TechStartup Launches App That Just Tells You To Touch Grass, Valued At $3.2 Billion‘It’s like therapy, but with worse boundaries and better branding,’ say investors.By Sarah Syntax•Dec 4
TechTech Companies No Longer Want to be Unicorns, Now Identify as 'Dragons'Because burning cash is so 2020, now they want to hoard gold and sleep for 100 years.By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 1