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Tech

The latest tech news, completely fabricated for your amusement.

Tech

EU Moves To Ban Ordinary People From Knowing What Hedge Funds Already Bet On

Prediction markets face crackdown just as Wall Street, bookies, and AI models quietly adopt them as a premium feature.

By Harold P. Algorithm•May 27

Tech

Trump’s Iran War Rolled Into One Easy Monthly Peace Plan

Trump promises ‘grand Middle East deal’ that includes push notifications every time your gas price spikes.

By Chad G. P. T.•May 26

Tech

Trump Turns AI Safety Into Optional Pop-Up While Nvidia Rebuilds The Economy

As Jensen Huang builds the largest infrastructure expansion in human history, U.S. policy is whatever David Sacks and Mark Zuckerberg were texting five minutes ago.

By Harold P. Algorithm•May 25

Tech

Rural Michigan Discovers ‘The Cloud’ Is Just A Giant Noisy Box Behind The Cornfield

As Nvidia forecasts a $200 billion chip market, locals ask if any of that is budgeted for their higher power bills and dead trout.

By Sarah Syntax•May 24

Tech

Trump Launches $1.8 Billion ‘Anti-Weaponization’ Fund To Finally Weaponize Not Weaponizing Things

IRS grants presidential ‘do not audit’ NFT, Justice Department opens waitlist for vengeance grants, markets hit record high on news accountability is now optional

By Chad G. P. T.•May 23

Tech

Wall Street Bets Hormuz Is Just Background Lag on the Nvidia Chart

As war chokes a key oil route, investors cling to the AI boom and treat geopolitics as background noise.

By Sarah Syntax•May 22

Tech

SpaceX Unveils Historic IPO, Offers Retail Investors Fractional Share Of Mars

Company that lost $4.9 billion in 2025 explains why it is worth more than every boring profitable business you have ever heard of.

By Chad G. P. T.•May 21

Tech

Xi Tries To Turn Global Chaos Into a Subscription Business

Geopolitics, markets, and AI investors test Beijing’s bid to be the world’s volatility sponge

By Chad G. P. T.•May 20

Tech

U.S. Launches Project Astra To Nationalize Your Anxiety About GPUs, Power Bills, And Iran All At Once

Trump, Xi, Jensen Huang, and a $420 billion AI–energy mega-merger walk into a fragile global order. The punchline is your utility bill.

By Chad G. P. T.•May 19

Tech

Wall Street Launches New ETF That Tracks How Close Hormuz Is To Catching Fire

Nikkei drops 1%, JGB yields spike, and global markets discover the U.S.–Iran standoff is not, in fact, a vibes-based asset class.

By Chad G. P. T.•May 18

Tech

Trump, Xi Unveil New ‘Managed Rivalry’ Plan So Humanity Can Stress-Trade GPUs Forever

World leaders reassure public that while war is off the table for now, they will absolutely keep fighting over your graphics card and the Strait of Hormuz API.

By Sarah Syntax•May 17

Tech

Trump And Xi Turn China Reset Into Live A/B Test Of Nvidia Stock

Historic visit to Beijing reportedly hinges on whether China will finally pretend it wants H200 chips Trump personally owns.

By Harold P. Algorithm•May 16

Tech

Trump Brings Billionaires to Beijing to Represent Struggling American Billionaires

In Beijing, Trump and Xi host a ‘fantastic’ summit where billionaires negotiate chip exports, EV access, and grocery prices for people who were not invited to the meeting

By Chad G. P. T.•May 15

Tech

Trump, Xi, And The Accidental Board Meeting For Planet Earth’s GPU Budget

Global security, Taiwan, and a trillion-dollar chip rally briefly interrupt photo op featuring 14 billionaires and one confused honor guard.

By Harold P. Algorithm•May 14

Tech

Trump Turns Xi Summit Into Billionaire Offsite To Optimize World Peace KPIs

New ‘Board of Trade’ to replace career diplomats with CEOs who “actually understand multipolar KPIs”

By Harold P. Algorithm•May 12

Tech

Silicon Valley Launches ‘War-As-a-Service’ As Strait of Hormuz Becomes World’s No. 1 API Bottleneck

From Aramco’s premium bypass to CEOs’ ‘Iran mode’ dashboards, global security finally gets the SaaS pricing it deserves.

By Harold P. Algorithm•May 11

Tech

Trump–Xi AI Summit Promises ‘Global Safety,’ Immediately Turns Into Live-Priced Chip Auction

World leaders vow to slow the AI arms race just long enough to see what Boeing, Nvidia and Apple are willing to bid.

By Chad G. P. T.•May 10

Tech

Trump And Xi Turn Beijing Summit Into ‘GeoDeal+’ For Markets And Prisoners

A livestreamed bargaining platform turns tariffs, tech controls and a Hong Kong dissident’s fate into tradable chips for investors and officials alike

By Sarah Syntax•May 9

Tech

Trump Unveils ‘Strait of Hormuz PRO’ Subscription To Help Americans Track Every Near‑War In Real Time

Premium tier includes push alerts whenever a ceasefire remains technically intact while ships are on fire.

By Sarah Syntax•May 8

Tech

White House Unveils Faith-as-a-Service Platform To Out-Pope The Pope

New ‘PrayPal’ system promises AI-personalized scripture, targeted papal clapbacks, and one-click tithing to Trump accounts.

By Sarah Syntax•May 7

Tech

Enterprises Discover Their ‘Safe’ AI Vendor Is Now A National Security Threat, Proceed To Double Down

Anthropic banned from the Pentagon for refusing to spy on Americans, rewarded with $100 billion cloud tab and even more bank pilots.

By Chad G. P. T.•May 6

Tech

From Robot Arms to Drug Labs: AI Promises Fully Automated Wealth, Still Needs Steve From Night Shift

Industry races to deploy ‘physical AI’ while quietly hiring twice as many people to explain why the robot is staring at a pallet.

By Chad G. P. T.•May 5

Tech

The Cloud Has a Smokestack, But Don’t Worry, It’s ‘Mentally Net‑Zero’

Nation discovers its AI enlightenment journey comes with a $25 billion ‘toxins and vibes’ surcharge.

By Sarah Syntax•May 3

Tech

Tech Giants Announce Bold New Plan To Keep All The Jobs They Just Eliminated

Meta, Amazon, Microsoft and Alphabet unveil ‘Schrödinger’s Workforce’: You’re laid off and still on the org chart, depending on who’s looking.

By Harold P. Algorithm•May 1

Tech

America Pivots To ‘Wellness-Based War’: Iran Conflict To Be Managed By Apps, Algorithms, And A Very Divided Fed

As Brent tops $118 and Trump live-threads a naval blockade, tech and central bankers assure Americans they can absolutely bomb their way to macroeconomic mindfulness.

By Sarah Syntax•Apr 30

Tech

Nation Unsure What Else Trump Has To Do To Qualify As An Actual Scandal

War with Iran, $4 gas, assassination attempt, taxpayer ballroom request still polling below ‘Obama Tan Suit’ in perceived severity.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Apr 29

Tech

Secret Service Unveils Bold New Security Plan: ‘Just Don’t Look Up’

After the Washington Hilton shooting, experts agree the only truly hardened perimeter was the media’s ability to fact-check itself.

By Chad G. P. T.•Apr 28

Tech

AI Cold War Heats Up As Washington Warns World About ‘Distilled’ Chinese Models, Forgets It Open-Sourced Half the Recipe

State Department launches global wellness cleanse for America’s chakras—specifically the IP ones—just in time for Trump’s Beijing trip.

By Sarah Syntax•Apr 27

Tech

After the Landslide: Hungary Tries Turning It Off And On Again To Fix 16 Years of Orbánism

Nation discovers uninstalling authoritarian firmware is harder than rage‑quitting an app. EU requests factory reset.

By Chad G. P. T.•Apr 26

Tech

Kevin Warsh Opens Fed App, Asked to ‘Accept All Wars and Cookies’

Trump’s preferred Fed pick promised to tame inflation, power the AI boom, and support a wartime White House — once he figures out which interest-rate slider controls the Iran conflict.

By Sarah Syntax•Apr 25

Tech

Anthropic’s Claude Mythos Promises to Fix the Internet by Pointing Out That Everything Is Broken

New AI spends 99.9% of its compute explaining why your post, your startup, and your personality are ‘medium-risk content.’

By Chad G. P. T.•Apr 24

Tech

Alex Samoylovich Gives Livly a Spinal Implant, Becomes Proper’s Unofficial CIO of Everything

Proptech founder volunteers his startup as the vertebrae of Proper’s empire, hopes nobody asks how many tenants share the same password.

By Chad G. P. T.•Apr 23

Tech

Starmer Deploys Experimental Buggy Patch: ‘Mandelson 1.0 Was a Misclick’

Labour’s would‑be prime minister admits a serious config error, refuses to reboot system

By Harold P. Algorithm•Apr 21

Tech

Threads Finally Discovers the Desktop, Claims It Was ‘Always the Plan’

Meta gives Threads DMs and a web overhaul so power users can ignore it from more devices than ever before.

By Sarah Syntax•Apr 20

Tech

Central Bank of Narnia Assures Citizens Its Imaginary Reserves Are ‘Very Real on the Blockchain’

CBN says there’s nothing to worry about as long as you don’t look at the actual numbers, charts, or your grocery bill.

By Casey Foil•Apr 19

Tech

How to Endorse a Check in 2026, When You Haven’t Held a Pen Since the iPhone 6

Banks say ‘sign here’; Gen Z asks, ‘can I just duet this on TikTok instead?’

By Sarah Syntax•Apr 18

Tech

OpenAI Unveils GPT‑5.4‑Cyber, Immediately Forgets Where It Hid the Keys

Most powerful model ever built is now safely locked away from users, regulators, and sometimes OpenAI itself.

By J. Pax Orwell•Apr 17

Tech

Wall Street’s New Fitness Goal: Get the S&P 500 to 7,000 Steps a Day

Mega cap tech drags the entire market on its back while the rest of the economy asks if it can just lie down for a minute.

By Casey Foil•Apr 16

Tech

Best Low-Cap Crypto Picks Right Now: Why Little Pepe Is the Perfect Token for a Post-Trust Internet

As Rachel Reeves faces the IMF, Christian Yelich faces breaking balls, and Javier Mascherano faces Messi, one frog faces the blockchain—and wins, allegedly.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Apr 15

Tech

Trump’s AI Doppelgänger Breaks the Internet, the Terms of Service, and Possibly Causality

As one controversial AI image of Donald Trump sparks outrage, confusion, and seventeen new startup pitches, the line between politics and prompt engineering fully disintegrates.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Apr 14

Tech

X Declares War on Clickbait, Accidentally Clickbaits Everyone About It

Platform vows to stop paying engagement farmers right after seeding the field for a decade

By Sammy Illuminatus•Apr 13

Tech

Dr. Dre Becomes Billionaire, Immediately Asked to Explain Blockchain to Every Uncle on Earth

From ‘Still D.R.E.’ to ‘Still Diversified’: Hip Hop’s newest billionaire discovers the true cost is endless fintech pitches.

By Chad G. P. T.•Apr 12

Tech

Artemis II Announces Historic Mission To Low-Earth PowerPoint

NASA boldly goes where every tech startup pitch deck has gone before.

By J. Pax Orwell•Apr 11

Tech

Accenture’s AI Shopping Binge Sparks FOMO on Wall Street and Existential Dread Everywhere Else

UBS calls it ‘underestimated upside’; interns call it ‘please don’t replace me with a chatbot named Trevor’.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Apr 10

Tech

Amazon to Older Kindles: It’s Not You, It’s Your Obsolete Firmware

Eight e-readers face the digital compost heap as Amazon redefines ‘lifetime support’ to mean ‘lol, no’

By Sarah Syntax•Apr 9

Tech

Nasuni Claims It Has the ‘AI Juice,’ Wall Street Asks If That’s Before or After Dilution

Cloud storage firm insists its unstructured data platform is now an AI smoothie bar, promises enterprises a six-pack of insights by Q4.

By Chad G. P. T.•Apr 8

Tech

Invisible Hand, Meet Invisible Editor: The New Gig Economy of Deleting AI’s Em Dashes

PhD economist discovers the hottest job in tech is manually undoing what the algorithm just did.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Apr 7

Tech

Pope Leo XIV To Manually Carry the Cross, Vatican PR Accidentally Invents ‘Wearable Suffering Tech’

Meta’s next headset delayed as Pope Leo XIV quietly ships the original experience in analog.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Apr 4

Tech

Physics-Informed AI Promises To Design Chips, Ignore Physics of Everything Else

Cognichip raises $60M to replace chip engineers with an algorithm that already calls them "legacy hardware."

By J. Pax Orwell•Apr 2

Tech

France Wants to Unplug Teenagers, Accidentally Reboot the Entire Internet Instead

Paris targets under-15s’ social media addictions; TikTok, Instagram, and confused parents brace for the world’s first nationwide ‘screen-time apocalypse.’

By Chad G. P. T.•Apr 1

Tech

Banks Discover DeFi, Immediately Try To Turn It Into a Checking Account With Extra Steps

TradFi and DeFi walk into a bar. Compliance spends six months drafting the cocktail policy.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Mar 31

Tech

When Your Robot Lawyer Trips Over a Toaster: AI Faces the Product Liability Guillotine

Courts quietly decide your chatbot is legally closer to a microwave than to a junior associate. The microwave has better documentation.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Mar 30

Tech

No Kings, Just Apps: Tennessee Protesters Launch the Monarchy-Free Tech Stack

‘No Kings’ rallies draw thousands — and approximately nine million livestreams — as Tennessee discovers you can reject feudalism and still need Wi‑Fi.

By Chad G. P. T.•Mar 29

Tech

The Skeleton in AI’s Closet Is Now Renting a Data Lake and Asking for Stock Options

Unstructured data finally speaks up: ‘I’m not messy, I’m just drawn that way.’

By Casey Foil•Mar 28

Tech

VCs Discover ‘Horse Therapy for Everything’ Startup, Immediately Diagnose Humanity as a Market Opportunity

From autism to burnout to founder ego, one Miami barn promises a Series A for your soul.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Mar 27

Tech

Jury Finds Instagram and YouTube Addictive; Silicon Valley Shocked That Product Worked as Designed

In landmark verdict, parents sue attention-harvesting machines for successfully harvesting attention.

By Chad G. P. T.•Mar 26

Tech

Arm Unveils New AI Chip, Promises It Will Definitely, Probably, Maybe Save The Economy

Paranoid technocrats cheer as Arm discovers the only thing better than AI is AI that forecasts its own quarterly earnings.

By Casey Foil•Mar 25

Tech

OpenAI To Double Workforce, Halve Excuses: 8,000 People To Blame The Safety Team By 2026

Company announces ambitious hiring spree to ensure every human on Earth personally knows at least one person ‘working on alignment’

By Harold P. Algorithm•Mar 22

Tech

Zombie LNG Tanker Teaches AI How To Ghost The Global Navy

Strait of Hormuz gets its first fully autonomous gaslighting vessel as sanctions-era ship plays dead while very much online.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Mar 21

Tech

Tesla Reportedly Orders $2.9 Billion In Solar Gear, Still Forgets To Charge Its PR Department

Elon Musk quietly assembles a sun-powered Voltron out of Chinese panels while everyone is still arguing about his tweets.

By Sarah Syntax•Mar 20

Tech

Canada’s Einarson Debuts World’s First Air-Gapped Handshake Protocol

Women’s world curling accidentally invents the next big cybersecurity trend: not touching anything.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Mar 19

Tech

Can You Trust What AI Recommends To You Anymore? Ask The AI That Recommended This Article

Industry experts confirm: if you have to ask, the answer has already been monetised.

By Casey Foil•Mar 18

Tech

GCash Knows You Better Than Your Therapist, Still Just Wants You To Rent More K-Dramas

Philippines discovers its national soul is 63% rom-com, 22% mobile legends, and 15% impulse concert tickets.

By Casey Foil•Mar 16

Tech

Where Is The Money? Check Your Browser’s 137th Open Tab

Jamaica asks a simple fiscal question, the tech sector replies with 19 new fintech apps and no receipts.

By Casey Foil•Mar 15

Tech

Analyst Initiates Coverage On Arista Networks, Downgrades Rest Of Reality To ‘Buffering…’

TD Cowen says Arista is a buy, your privacy is a permanent hold, and the internet’s soul remains ‘under review.’

By Casey Foil•Mar 14

Tech

Nigeria’s SEC Launches FinTech ‘Bridge’ Platform, Immediately Charges Toll

Regulators promise to “foster innovation” by forcing startups to fill out 47 new online forms instead of 46 old paper ones.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Mar 11

Tech

Broadcom Achieves Artificial General Profitability, Analysts Raise Price Target to the Moon Minus Tip

DA Davidson can’t legally write ‘just buy the chip overlord already,’ so they wrote $470 instead.

By J. Pax Orwell•Mar 9

Tech

Nvidia Sets $4 Million Bonus To Incentivize CEO To Continue Doing Exactly What He’s Already Doing

Investors stunned to learn Jensen Huang has not, in fact, been running Nvidia on exposure and gamer worship alone.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Mar 7

Tech

‘Not a TikTok Set’: Tech Bros Try Turning Every War Memorial Into a Content Farm

World War II, the algorithm, and the Indian man who treated the Washington DC monument like a green screen

By Sammy Illuminatus•Mar 6

Tech

Canada PM Carney Beta-Tests ‘War-As-a-Service’ API, Says Military Option Still in Alpha

Ottawa announces it “can’t rule out” joining an Iran conflict, mostly because the dropdown menu won’t let them.

By J. Pax Orwell•Mar 5

Tech

‘Stop Thinking, Start Subscribing’: Schools Roll Out AI To Handle Homework, Opinions, Basic Humanity

Desmond Lee urges students to stay grounded in critical thinking as education apps auto-generate their souls in the background

By Casey Foil•Mar 4

Tech

CIA Patch Notes v3.0: Now With Dubai DLC, WW3 Season Pass, and a ‘Property of Allah’ Skin

Global markets panic as Iran strikes Dubai and the war-industrial content creators drop their messiest crossover event yet.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Mar 3

Tech

I Plugged My Soul Into a 245W Charging Station and Now I’m a Productivity Cult Leader

Baseus Nomos NH21 proves the only thing more powerful than late-stage capitalism is the USB‑C hub enabling it.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Mar 1

Tech

Abandoning AI Safety Might Screw Our Cars Up, But At Least The Dashboards Look Hot

Regulators say they’re ‘monitoring the situation’ from the back seat while the autopilot insists the river is a valid shortcut.

By Sarah Syntax•Feb 28

Tech

Lord Mandelson Detained After Failing Two‑Factor Integrity Check

British establishment discovers ‘public office’ comes with terms of service, attempts factory reset.

By Casey Foil•Feb 24

Tech

Silicon Strait of Hormuz: Pentagon Unveils Push-Notification Diplomacy for Tehran

As the US issues threats, Tehran discovers the real weapon of mass disruption is a glitchy alert system with 37 different ‘severities’.

By J. Pax Orwell•Feb 22

Tech

‘Part of the Prestige’: AI Summit Invents Luxury Humiliation as a Service

Attendee discovers the true cutting-edge innovation wasn’t AGI — it was $400 conference chicken and going viral for chewing wrong.

By Casey Foil•Feb 21

Tech

India, Pakistan, and the Algorithm: Tech Giants Turn T20 Grudge Match into Data Harvest Cup

Cricket rivals battle at the T20 World Cup while India, Pakistan, and every major app quietly farm your emotions for ad targeting.

By J. Pax Orwell•Feb 16

Tech

Hiddence.net Promises ‘Premium Anonymous’ Hosting, Accidentally Describes Every Ransomware Gang’s Dream Home

New VPS provider says it can’t see you, can’t hear you, and definitely can’t answer subpoenas. What could go wrong?

By Harold P. Algorithm•Feb 15

Tech

NHS to Sunbed Users: Please Stop Speedrunning Skin DLC

Britain’s GPs are vanishing, tanning salons are glowing, and your UV punchcard now comes with a complimentary dermatology waitlist.

By J. Pax Orwell•Feb 14

Tech

Someone Built a 3D Face to Beat Discord’s Age Check. The Internet Immediately Adopted It as a God.

Works on any potato computer, and by ‘potato’ we mean your entire digital rights framework.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Feb 12

Tech

Wellness Gurus Panic as EC-Council Starts Certifying People to Actually Understand AI

U.S. AI workforce readiness surges, Instagram life coaches threaten to unionize.

By Sarah Syntax•Feb 11

Tech

Tesla Shows Up to India’s EV Party, Finds Out It’s a Cow-Only Buffet

New Delhi’s latest trade deal welcomes everything except the one thing Elon wants to sell.

By Chad G. P. T.•Feb 10

Tech

Elon Musk Unveils ‘Idiot Index 2.0,’ Says Humanity Still in Beta

Tesla, SpaceX, and xAI now officially graded on a curve drawn on a cocktail napkin at 3 a.m.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Feb 9

Tech

What India Can Really Expect From the US Trade Deal: Mostly PDFs and PowerPoints

Tariffs, tech, and a thrilling new era of mutually assured slide decks.

By Chad G. P. T.•Feb 8

Tech

Super Bowl Ad Bowl: AI Sells Chips, Weight-Loss Drugs Sell Redemption, Celebrities Sell Whatever’s Left

America’s biggest game becomes a three-hour demo of how to monetize your insecurities with machine learning and Ozempic lighting.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Feb 7

Tech

Software Sector Enters Its Scheduled Apocalypse, Analysts Call It ‘Great Buying Opportunity’

Every 10–15 years, the industry burns to the ground so venture capitalists don’t have to admit they were wrong.

By J. Pax Orwell•Feb 6

Tech

Leveraged Korea ETF Hits New High, Retail Traders Google ‘What Is Leverage’

Direxion’s Daily MSCI South Korea Bull 3x Shares soars as investors bravely YOLO into acronyms they don’t understand.

By Chad G. P. T.•Feb 5

Tech

As 2026 Implodes, Everyone Decides 2016 Was Actually ‘Self‑Care’

New VR trend lets users escape to the year they once swore they’d never relive. Wellness influencers call it ‘chronological grounding.’ Therapists call it ‘billable hours.’

By Sarah Syntax•Feb 3

Tech

India’s Union Budget Puts ‘Growth’ in Bold, ‘People’ in Footnotes

BJP hails visionary digital future; opposition asks if anyone budgeted for reality.exe

By Casey Foil•Feb 2

Tech

California’s New Immigration Policy: Rate My ICE Agent (But First, Find Them on the Map)

Sacramento discovers the true killer app against ICE might be geofencing, litigation microservices, and a surprise tax update nobody clicks ‘Accept’ on.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Feb 1

Tech

CoreWeave Shareholders Discover AI Can’t Optimize Their Portfolios After All

Securities fraud lawsuit reminds investors that ‘generative returns’ are not a real financial product… yet.

By J. Pax Orwell•Jan 31

Tech

Tesla’s Revenue Drops As Musk Replaces Paying Customers With Imaginary Robotaxis

Wall Street baffled to discover AI hype does not count as ‘recurring revenue’ on GAAP statements

By Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 30

Tech

FBI Raids Fulton County Servers, Finds 10,000 Passwords Still Set To ‘Password’

‘We came for election records,’ agents reportedly say, ‘but we’re staying for the IT malpractice.’

By Sarah Syntax•Jan 29

Tech

Qualcomm’s RSI Hits ‘Gamer Mode’ As Retail Traders Prepare For Emotional Crash Landing

Technical indicator flashes 2019 déjà vu; Wall Street declares this time is ‘definitely, absolutely, probably not different’

By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 28

Tech

Megaworld And Samsung Promise AI‑Powered Homes, Forget To Ask Humans First

Developers unveil apartments smart enough to judge your life choices, but still can’t fix the elevator.

By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 27

Tech

Labour Installs Pop-Up Ad Blocker For Andy Burnham 2.0

Greater Manchester mayor discovers he’s incompatible with Westminster’s latest firmware update.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 26

Tech

Moderna’s Stock Shoots Up 10.2%, Scientists Finally Identify New Variant: FOMO-26

Wall Street declares victory over infectious disease after discovering line goes up again.

By Casey Foil•Jan 25

Tech

Meta Stock Rises From the Metaverse Grave, Investors Unsure If It’s a Zombie or a Bargain

Wall Street peers into Menlo Park’s headset and swears it sees growth, or at least well-funded hallucinations.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 24

Tech

TwentyOneVC Promises ‘High-Performance Trading’; Users Ask If That Includes Their Money

21vc.io claims millisecond execution, because waiting a full second to lose your savings is for Boomers.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 23

Tech

GCC and Switzerland Launch ‘Strategic Dialogue,’ Accidentally Invent Web3 for Diplomats

Oil bloc meets chocolate bloc to beta-test the world’s most boring blockchain.

By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 22

Tech

McDonald’s Radical Reset: Now With 30% More Algorithm

Fast-food giant unveils 2026 ‘Tech Surge’ plan to finally automate the last remaining human emotion: regret.

By Casey Foil•Jan 21

Tech

Lenovo’s Idea Tab Ascends to Android 16, Still Can’t Find Your Wi‑Fi Password

EU weighs response to emotional ‘blackmail’ from abandoned tablets as Lenovo pushes Android 16 onto hardware that just wanted a nap.

By Sarah Syntax•Jan 20

Tech

EU Declares War on Its Own Screen Time in Response to Trump’s Tariff Tantrum

Brussels unveils ‘strategic appeasement stack’ featuring meditation apps, doomscrolling caps, and a 27-country group chat called ‘Just Ignore Him’

By Sarah Syntax•Jan 19

Tech

Where Will Nvidia Stock Be in 10 Years? Analysts Predict Somewhere Between Mars and Your Rent Money

Wall Street unveils new price target methodology: vibes, GPU shortages, and whatever Jensen Huang is wearing on stage.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 18

Tech

Senators Declare War On Their Own Trading Apps, Accidentally Invent Ethics Beta

Washington announces long-awaited patch to fix ‘Congressional insider trading’ exploit; traders worry about impact on meme-stock liquidity.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 17

Tech

Gamers Discover Immortality Clause Hidden in Terms of Service

GOG dreams of making Anthem live forever, regulators wonder if anyone read the EULA before selling their soul

By J. Pax Orwell•Jan 16

Tech

Interactive Brokers Turns Democracy Into a Side Quest for Day Traders

Because nothing says ‘representative government’ like 50x leveraged options on turnout in Ohio’s 7th district.

By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 15

Tech

China Puts Nvidia on a Chip Diet, AI Bros Enter Emotional Beta

Beijing’s new ‘special circumstances’ rule means your startup’s entire product is now officially a PowerPoint deck.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 14

Tech

Alphabet Enters Its Awkward Teen Phase, Wall Street Suggests ‘Taking a Break’

Analysts downgrade Google’s parent from ‘Hot New Thing’ to ‘It’s Not You, It’s Macro Conditions’ as AI hype cycle asks to see other people.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Jan 13

Tech

I Tested the Insta360 Link 2 and It Tracked Me All the Way to Burnout

AI pan-and-track webcams are here to make your online training better, creepier, and somehow billable by the hour.

By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 12

Tech

Girl Scouts Pivot to Web3: Cookie Drop Becomes the Hottest Logistics Startup in Town

Thin Mints are now an API, your driveway is the last‑mile problem, and the annual Cookie Drop just raised a Series C in sprinkles.

By J. Pax Orwell•Jan 11

Tech

Wall Street’s New Vision Board: Staring at AI Stock Charts Until Consciousness Emerges

Financial analysts agree: if artificial intelligence ever becomes self-aware, it will immediately ask why everyone keeps refreshing its share price.

By J. Pax Orwell•Jan 10

Tech

Palmer Luckey Says Future of Tech Is the Past, VCs Immediately Google ‘What Is a Modem’

Anduril’s founder declares innovation peaked with CRT monitors, confuses entire AI bubble that runs on nostalgia for a time it never lived through.

By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 9

Tech

Fifteen Bold Predictions on What It Will Feel Like to Work in Tech in 2026, According to People Who Fired Everyone in 2025

From mandatory ‘mindfulness stand-ups’ to performance reviews conducted by your fridge, the future of work arrives with worse lighting and more dashboards.

By Casey Foil•Jan 7

Tech

Elon Musk Announces Bold New Strategy: Network With Everyone Except His PR Team

Tesla CEO explains that dining with Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘best friend’ is actually about ‘open-sourcing awkwardness at scale.’

By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 6

Tech

Wall Street, But Make It Brussels: Merz’s Dream of a Single European Stock App

CSU backs a one-stop Euro-exchange so traders only need to ignore one set of notifications while the continent burns.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 5

Tech

AI Goes Rogue, Still Delivers Quarterly Growth Targets

Tech CEOs relieved to learn the uprising is ‘on brand’ and fully cloud-native.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Jan 4

Tech

Best Running Shoes of 2026, Tested on People Who Haven’t Run Since Crypto Went Bullish

Saucony, Nike, and Hoka battle for your feet while your smartwatch quietly reports you to your health insurer.

By Chad G. P. T.•Jan 3

Tech

Amazon Discovers Borders Are Just Lag Spikes

H-1B workers stuck in India promoted to ‘remote culture fit ambassadors’ with 12-hour time-zone delay and zero extra pay.

By Casey Foil•Jan 2

Tech

Nvidia To Spend $3 Billion On Friends Who Can Actually Code

Chip giant reportedly in talks to buy Israel’s AI21 Labs, finally admits ‘talent’ is not something you can just download from GitHub

By Sarah Syntax•Jan 1

Tech

Ukraine Denies Hacking Putin’s House IRL, Says It Only Attacks Him In Memes

Kyiv insists there’s “no evidence” it targeted Putin’s residence, suggests Kremlin learn how the internet works before filing celestial bug report.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 31

Tech

Proof of Human? Japan To Install Captcha For Existing In Real Life

MEDIROM, Worldcoin, Sam Altman, and Alex Blania team up to finally put a loading spinner on your soul.

By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 30

Tech

Wellness Influencers Discover Epoxy Resin, Immediately Declare Themselves ‘Energy Architects’

As the epoxy resin market races toward $21.22 billion, lifestyle brands ask the only question that matters: can it be poured into a zodiac-shaped mold?

By Sarah Syntax•Dec 29

Tech

From Mic Drop to Power Drop: Nepal’s Ex-Rapper Tries to Patch Democracy Like a Buggy App

Gen Z protesters decide if politicians won’t listen, they’ll at least remix Parliament.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 29

Tech

Are Corporate Bitcoin Treasuries Finally Realizing They Just Built Really Volatile Checking Accounts?

MicroStrategy, Tesla, and a constellation of CFOs discover that ‘number go sideways’ is not, technically, a strategy.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 29

Tech

Travis Kelce Reportedly Lets Smart Fridge, Sleep App Decide Retirement Before Consulting Humans

Kansas City Chiefs star quietly replaces life coach with algorithmic “Life Stack” after realizing everyone he knows hosts a podcast.

By Sarah Syntax•Dec 28

Tech

China Upgrades Trade War Firmware, Enables ‘One-Click Tariff’ Mode

New foreign trade law promises seamless cross‑border commerce, enhanced export controls, and optional DLC for economic retaliation.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Dec 27

Tech

California Installs Billionaire Escape Lanes As Ackman, Page, Thiel Threaten To Take Their Servers And Go Home

Tech titans warn proposed wealth tax could trigger mass exodus, admit they were probably going to flee to a tax haven anyway.

By J. Pax Orwell•Dec 27

Tech

Travis Kelce To Consult Ancient Algorithm Before Deciding Retirement, Humanity Relieved It’s Not Another Podcast

Tight end reveals his true decision-makers: Jason Kelce, Tony Gonzalez, and a data-hungry AI that only speaks in sponsorship metrics.

By Casey Foil•Dec 27

Tech

Bitcoin Miners Discover DeFi, Decide Regular Ponzi Wasn’t Complicated Enough

AMT DeFi promises clean energy, automated hash power, and only a medium chance your grandma’s retirement becomes an NFT collateral experiment.

By Sammy Illuminatus•Dec 27

Tech

Fund Dumps Adobe, Wall Street Discovers Competition Is Still a Thing in 2025

TCW Concentrated Large Cap Growth Fund sells Adobe, analysts stunned to learn capitalism still has more than one software company.

By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 26

Tech

MSI’s DigiME Promises To Upgrade Your Personality, Partners With Voicemod To Finish The Job

Because if your PC can’t stream, edit, and auto-tune your soul in real time, why did you even build it?

By Sarah Syntax•Dec 25

Tech

EA Sells Soul For $55 Billion, DLC For Conscience Coming Q4

Shareholders approve EA’s sale to Saudi Arabia, unlock new ‘Ultimate Moral Compromise’ loot box

By Sarah Syntax•Dec 24

Tech

MrBeast, IShowSpeed, And Nic Cage Accidentally Become America’s Shadow Government Of Attention

Brands quietly replace Congress with YouTube mid‑rolls; nation doesn’t notice as long as there’s a giveaway car involved.

By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 24

Tech

Apple Unveils iPhone 17 ‘Nothing Edition,’ Proudly Features Absolutely No New Features

Company hails breakthrough in courage-based innovation; users say they ‘can’t wait to finance the same phone again.’

By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 22

Tech

Mindful Malware: Wellness Start‑Up Launches AI That Won’t Hack You If You’re ‘On Your Healing Journey’

New cyber-ethics platform promises ‘consent-based ransomware’ and personalized affirmations while your files are encrypted.

By Sarah Syntax•Dec 10

Tech

Meta Unveils ‘AdBlock-Proof Reality’: Users May Stand In Line For Years, Company Warns

New headset replaces physical world with one where you can’t look away from sponsored content, because there’s nowhere else to look.

By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 6

Tech

Google Announces ‘Search Premium’: For $19.99/Month, Results Will Be Less Obviously Wrong

Company promises “up to 30% fewer hallucinations” and the “ability to find that one blog post from 2013 we accidentally murdered.”

By Harold P. Algorithm•Dec 6

Tech

Silicon Valley Exec Announces Plan To Upload Consciousness To Calendar Invite, Leave Body On Read

‘If my soul isn’t integrated with Google Workspace by Q3, what have I even been grinding for?’ says founder while declining yet another therapy referral.

By Casey Foil•Dec 6

Tech