The Fed, the Yen, and the Currency Hunger Games

Panel of three: 1) A glitzy game-show set labeled “GLOBAL FX GAMESHOW – SPONSORED BY NOBODY YOU VOTED FOR.” Janet Yellen stands behind a podium labeled “U.S. Treasury,” wearing a sparkly blazer. Behind her, three giant levers: “SELL EUROS,” “BUY YEN,” and a big, untouched golden one labeled “TOUCH THE DOLLAR (ARE YOU INSANE?).” She’s yanking hard on “SELL EUROS” while winking at the camera. 2) In the audience, three national mascots sit strapped into rollercoaster chairs wired to the levers: a frazzled Euro (a person in an oversized €-coin costume), a woozy Yen (¥-costume with an IV drip labeled “INTERVENTION”), and a smug Dollar (muscular $-costume lounging with sunglasses, sipping a drink labeled “RESERVE PRIVILEGE”). The Euro is being dumped out of a trapdoor labeled “FX RESERVES,” the Yen is hoisted back up on cables labeled “TREASURY BUY,” while the Dollar chair has a velvet rope barrier and a sign: “DO NOT DISTURB THE ASSET CLASS.” 3) At the bottom of the set, a small row of bleachers labeled “ACTUAL PUBLIC” filled with tiny, normal-looking people from Japan, Europe, and the U.S. They are watching a giant scoreboard labeled “IMPORT PRICES | WAGES | PENSIONS | POLITICS” all spinning like a slot machine. One person whispers to another, pointing at Yellen and the levers: “Do we at least get to vote on this?” The other replies, deadpan: “We get to *react* to it in six months and call that democracy.” Tiny background detail: A producer in the control booth in a suit labeled “SEEKING ALPHA & FRIENDS” shouts into a headset: “Relax, we didn’t touch the dollar, we just moved reality around it.”

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Business

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