Moonshot, Meet Shareholder Value

In the cartoon, Artemis II roars upward toward the Moon while an AT&T-branded rocket labeled “T” plummets out of the same launch tower, its boosters made of old landlines, cable bundles, and a sagging 5G billboard. NASA engineers in crisp jumpsuits cheer their launch; next to them, AT&T executives in suits frantically slap corporate buzzword stickers—“Synergy,” “5G,” “Metaverse,” “AI Bundle”—over the cracking fuselage as it falls. A giant Wall Street mission screen shows two trajectories: a bright arc labeled “Artemis II: To the Moon” and a nosedive labeled “AT&T: 52-Week Low – 21.44 USD.” One kid in a school tour group points at Artemis and says, “They’re going to the Moon,” while another points at the AT&T rocket and says, “They’re going to my data cap.”

Around the Shallot

Stay in the same broken universe.

Forecasts, satire, cartoons, and quizzes should feel like one publication, not disconnected tabs.

Tech

DOGE Unveils ‘War UX 2.0’: U.S.–Iran Conflict To Be Managed Like A Buggy App Update

Department of Government Efficiency reassures public that if the ceasefire can’t be fixed, it can at least be A/B tested, monetized, and pushed to the cloud.

Jul 13

Forecast

By Mid‑August 2026, Iran Will Reopen Hormuz Oil Traffic

Iran says the Strait of Hormuz is shut until the U.S. leaves the neighborhood. Tanker traffic and mediators say something more boring: this is a price‑setting tantrum that ends in a technical deal, not a 90‑day blockade.

Jul 12