Throw on your low-rise jeans, grab your parents’ club card, and meet us under the fluorescent lights. Curate the most unhinged 2000s supermarket snack haul — Lunchables, neon soda, checkout-line gossip rags and all — and we’ll tell you if you’re a Cart Racer, Coupon Queen, Sample Station Goblin, or that mysterious Night-Shift Legend.
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Around the Shallot
Forecasts, satire, cartoons, and quizzes should feel like one publication, not disconnected tabs.

Tech
Silicon Valley hails Trump’s plan to let AI companies write their own rules, promises to sell those rules back to everyone else by Q4.
Oct 11

Forecast
The Mecca Defense Pact just put two more flags on the Saudi firing chart. The consensus panic says this widens the war within weeks. The signal says the Houthis will talk big, hit Saudi and the sea, and leave Pakistan and Turkey’s hard targets alone for this 60 day window.
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Oct 11