Throw on your low-rise jeans, grab your parents’ club card, and meet us under the fluorescent lights. Curate the most unhinged 2000s supermarket snack haul — Lunchables, neon soda, checkout-line gossip rags and all — and we’ll tell you if you’re a Cart Racer, Coupon Queen, Sample Station Goblin, or that mysterious Night-Shift Legend.
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Around the Shallot
Forecasts, satire, cartoons, and quizzes should feel like one publication, not disconnected tabs.

Tech
Department of Government Efficiency reassures public that if the ceasefire can’t be fixed, it can at least be A/B tested, monetized, and pushed to the cloud.
Jul 13

Forecast
Iran says the Strait of Hormuz is shut until the U.S. leaves the neighborhood. Tanker traffic and mediators say something more boring: this is a price‑setting tantrum that ends in a technical deal, not a 90‑day blockade.
Jul 12
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