Tariffed and Terrified
When ‘America First’ means ‘Earth Last’ and ‘Wall Street Firster.’
A giant steel-and-concrete factory labeled “US MATERIALS SECTOR” sits on a gleaming hill, belching thick, greasy smoke that forms the words “RECORD EARNINGS.” At the factory gate, a grinning Wall Street analyst in a blazer stamped “Brokerage Research” holds up a report titled “5-YEAR HIGHS” and pats a towering stack of gold bars labeled “TARIFF WINDFALL.” Down the hill, an overworked US consumer in a holiday sweater labeled “Shaky Confidence” struggles to push an empty shopping cart up a broken, pothole-ridden road marked “MAIN STREET.” The cracks in the road are stuffed with IOUs and past-due bills. On the far side, a barbed-wire border fence made of steel beams is tagged “TARIFF WALL.” On the foreign side of the fence, a ghostly factory skyline in China and Mexico is fading out—but the smog from their chimneys drifts freely over the fence and merges with the US factory smoke, forming a single, darker cloud that hangs over a small, withered tree tagged “Climate.” High above, a billboard reads “STRONG AMERICA” with an American flag; tiny disclaimers along the bottom say “Offer applies to commodity producers only. Consumer and planet sold separately.”
Source headline
Tariffs to set US materials up for best earnings in five years
Around the Shallot
Stay in the same broken universe.
Forecasts, satire, cartoons, and quizzes should feel like one publication, not disconnected tabs.
Tech
DOGE Unveils ‘War UX 2.0’: U.S.–Iran Conflict To Be Managed Like A Buggy App Update
Department of Government Efficiency reassures public that if the ceasefire can’t be fixed, it can at least be A/B tested, monetized, and pushed to the cloud.
Jul 13
Forecast
By Mid‑August 2026, Iran Will Reopen Hormuz Oil Traffic
Iran says the Strait of Hormuz is shut until the U.S. leaves the neighborhood. Tanker traffic and mediators say something more boring: this is a price‑setting tantrum that ends in a technical deal, not a 90‑day blockade.
Jul 12
Comments
Be the first to comment.
