SAN FRANCISCO — In a shocking pivot from the last decade of startup culture, Silicon Valley's elite have collectively decided that being a "Unicorn" (a startup valued at over $1 billion) is "cringe" and "mid." The new goal? To be a "Dragon."
"Unicorns are sparkly and rare, sure," said TechBro CEO Kyle 'Zoomer' Jenkins. "But Dragons? Dragons are terrifying. They hoard wealth. They breathe fire on their enemies. That's the energy we're bringing to Q4."
Investors are reportedly confused but intrigued. "I mean, if they promise to burn the competition instead of just burning my money, I'm in," said venture capitalist Monica Vested.
The shift comes as interest rates rise and the era of 'growth at all costs' ends. Now, the strategy is 'hoard at all costs'. Companies are reportedly replacing their ping-pong tables with gold coin pits and hiring guards to protect their 'lairs' (formerly known as open-plan offices).
