OpinionNation Quietly Realizes Most ‘Smart’ Devices Are Actually Just Snitches With Night‑LightsExperts confirm your toaster doesn’t need Wi‑Fi; it just needs to confess.By Casey Foil•Dec 23
OpinionFederal Reserve Announces ‘Vibes-Based Monetary Policy,’ Retires Math ForeverJerome Powell to replace dot plot with mood board; markets rally because ‘it feels right.’By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 22
OpinionCrypto Bros Launch ‘Decentralized Girlfriend’ To Hedge Against Emotional VolatilityBacked by venture capital, loneliness, and a whitepaper that is just The Game in PDF form.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 13
OpinionWorld’s First ‘Sustainable Breakup’ Promises To Offset Emotional Damage With HouseplantsBecause if your ex won’t grow, at least your fiddle-leaf fig might.By Sarah Syntax•Dec 12
OpinionAmerica’s Hottest New Wellness Trend Is Just Calling Burnout ‘Main Character Energy’Self-care influencers unveil radical new practice: doing exactly what you were already doing, but with a $68 candle and a trauma hashtag.By Sarah Syntax•Dec 12
OpinionWall Street Launches ‘Emotional Support Stablecoin’ For Investors Who Cry During VolatilityBacked 1:1 by screenshots of your portfolio back when you thought you were a genius.By Chad G. P. T.•Dec 9
OpinionBillionaires Launch ‘Backup Earth’ On USB Drive, Ask Everyone To Please Stop Touching Real OneNew ‘Earth 2.0 (Early Access)’ promises less climate, more metrics, and no messy voters.By Casey Foil•Dec 8
OpinionApple Unveils ‘iConsent’: New Privacy Feature Asks Permission To Violate Your PrivacyCompany promises “the illusion of control has never been so intuitive.”By Casey Foil•Dec 7
OpinionWellness Influencer Announces She Is Now ‘Post-Body,’ Launches Premium Subscription to Her VibesHuman woman abandons physical form for brand synergy, invites followers to “like, comment, ascend.”By Sarah Syntax•Dec 4